The Greatest Cricketing sledges of all time..........

I know this is not football but some of these are brilliant. (number three is my favourite)

Imagine if the same thing happened in football - No doubt there would be the same level of violence and mass brawling as witnessed at the Carling Cup Final but why should that matter when the FA fines the perpetrators a pittance!!!!


1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?
"Botham apparently responded "The wife's fine, the kids are retarded".

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughesuring 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandaduring 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richardsuring a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney......"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*ing rip your F*fing throat out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he replied.

FFL Week 31

Right, due to several bugs in the spreadsheet I spent two hours on Sunday afternoon updating my OLD spreadsheet. Out went marking my GCSE Economics test papers and in came searching player lists, the blog for transfers and voila, I think I have an updated version of the spreadsheet.

Of course the auditors (McNick and James) will no doubt search and check for mistakes and I am in no way saying that what I am publishing is defintive so PLEASE check your scores!!!!!

Note: This is LAST WEEK's update - as there is no football this weekend (I'm not saying international break since after watching some aweful attempts at the beautiful game, I cannot bring myself to call it as such so as far as I am concernd there was NO FOOTBALL this weekend)

Anyway, here are the scores:

		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	344
2nd	Mike	339	5
3rd	James	311	33
4th	Sid	297	47
5th	Nick Ath	281	63
6th	Rico	261	83
7th	Donald	248	96
8th	Steve	241	103
9th	Theo	227	117
10th	Stathi	208	136

Transfers:
James gets rid of Adebayor (cursing the FA with his favourite profanities even though he deserved more than a four-match ban for acting like the tallest baby you are ever going to see) for Viduka. He also acquires Ballack after getting rid of Nolan (again with much use of his favourite C-word - cursing Nolan's inability to get within 20 points of his FFL average over the past 3 seasons!!!)

An alternative Valentines Day......

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure, seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

FFL Week 30

Barely worth commenting on this week's scored, with just 4 games played. The only mildly significant thing is that Nick extended his lead by 4, with James and Mike not scoring anything.

The scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week30
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	324
2nd	Mike	306	18
3rd	James	292	32
4th	Sid	280	44
5th	Nick Ath	265	59
6th	Rico	250	74
7th	Donald	246	78
8th	Steve	223	101
9th	Theo	221	103
10th	Stathi	182	142

2 transfers to report:

Sid buys Bellamy for Henry.
YHC* buys Gilberto '5 penalties on the way' Silva for Cahill.

*Your humble Chairman

Glenn Close moment

Osboune Saturday 1

Who is this???

What? The very definition of hypocrisy..............

Anyone see Football Focus today?

Well if you did you would have heard that sub-human Keown spout the follwing crap from his neanderthal mouth:
"we don't want to see violent conduct"

What? You liar. You hypocrite.

Moreover, what a f**king ugly monkey faced c**t. How can this sub-human be given an opportunity to be on television? There's no way his face should be on the telly before midnight.

Hypocrite. End of.

Even Dixon said "You seemed to like violence as a player"

Rant over

PS: The TIME cover on the left is the actual one published

Osborne Friday 2

And no, it's not Kelsey Grammer.

Mr D. Berbatov

Dimitar Berbatov`s goal and overall performance in Tottenham Hotspur`s dramatic 4-3 victory over West Ham United at Upton Park has seen the Bulgarian striker record the highest individual score of the week in The Actim Index - the Official Player Ratings of the Barclays Premiership.

Berbatov, who recorded a score of 42 index points, was also named in the Actim Index Team of the Week for his efforts. He was a constant menace throughout the match and was denied twice early on by West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green. He eventually struck Tottenham`s equaliser in the 89th minute before Paul Stalteri grabbed the winner in injury time.

(and this is where it gets interesting...)

Actim Stats reveal that Berbatov has contributed eight goals, 56 shots, 10 tackles, 22 clearances, six interceptions, 21 dribbles, 13 crosses and 206 passes in 2195 minutes of Premiership football this season.

He is Tottenham`s highest ranked player this season, currently sitting in 7th position overall in the Actim Index and is the 3rd highest ranked striker in the division (behind Umfoofoo Drogba and Shrek Rooney).

Quality, quality player who fortunately doesn't look the type who would do a dirty on us and eff off when the big boys start calling. Whether Mr Levy and the Board will resist the financial temptation, i'm not so sure.....

FFL Week 29

I'm not going to do all that immature congratulatory stuff with 9 weeks still to go, but you have to admit that things are looking ominous for the chasers. A massive 18-pointer from Nick sees him open up a 14-point lead over Mike and a virtually insurmountable 28-point gap between himself and James. I'm sure there are many 'ifs' and 'buts' and 'I thought abouts' to come from that direction.

Instead, Nick top scores with 18, Defoe, Lennon and new boy Ashley Cole doing the damage. If Nick does go on to win, there should be a bottle of whisky in it for Theo. James had a calamitous week, scoring -1. 'That bloody Spurs defence again,' he'll say, quite rightly. In Mike's case, only 5 points scored, but Keane should be back next week.

The scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week29
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	320
2nd	Mike	306	14
3rd	James	292	28
4th	Sid	277	43
5th	Nick Ath	259	61
6th	Rico	253	67
7th	Donald	244	76
8th	Theo	222	98
9th	Steve	220	100
10th	Stathi	180	140

Transfers

2 transfers to report, both from the leader:
Out goes Ballack, finally, and in comes Jermaine Jenas (beating off bids from Sid and your humble Chairman).
Also out goes Defoe after his mild heroics on Sunday, and in comes Leroy Lita. Turning the screw, as they say.

FA Cup this week. Nick's got 5 players left in it and Mike 6. The destiny of the 12th Dwight Yorke Cup still hangs in the balance.

The Barnes Files

More from the boy genius:

May I take the honour of commencing "Osbourne Day"

So, who am I......................