Spot the difference.........

Image one.........












Image two...........













Answers to the following email:

WherecanIbuyaGilletteafterGillettehasboughtme@hotmail.com

Sky-jacked games in full (and Setanta too!)

SKY LIVE GAMES

Saturday 11 Sunderland v Tottenham 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 12 Chelsea v Birmingham City 1.30pm TBC
Sunday 12 Manchester United v Reading 4pm TBC
Tuesday 14 Tottenham v Everton 8pm TBC
Wednesday 15 Wigan Athletic v Middlesbrough 8pm TBC
Saturday 18 Portsmouth v Bolton 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 19 Manchester City v Man Utd 1.30pm TBC
Sunday 19 Liverpool v Chelsea 4pm TBC
Saturday 25 Sunderland v Liverpool 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 26 Man Utd v Tottenham 4pm TBC
SEPTEMBER
Sunday 2 Arsenal v Portsmouth 1.30pm TBC
Sunday 2 Aston Villa v Chelsea 4pm TBC
Saturday 15 Portsmouth v Liverpool 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 16 Manchester City v Aston Villa 4pm TBC
Sunday 23 Manchester United v Chelsea 4pm TBC
Saturday 29 Manchester City v Newcastle 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 30 Everton v Middlesbrough 4pm TBC
OCTOBER
Saturday 6 Manchester United v Wigan 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 7 Reading v Derby County 2pm TBC
Sunday 7 Fulham v Portsmouth 4.10pm TBC
Saturday 20 Everton v Liverpool 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 21 West Ham United v Sunderland 4pm TBC
Sunday 28 Bolton v Aston Villa 1.30pm TBC
Sunday 28 Liverpool v Arsenal 4pm TBC
NOVEMBER
Saturday 3 Arsenal v Manchester United 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 4 West Ham United v Bolton 4pm TBC
Saturday 10 Sunderland v Newcastle United 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 11 Birmingham City v Aston Villa 1pm TBC
Sunday 11 Portsmouth v Manchester City 4pm TBC
Saturday 24 Newcastle v Liverpool 12.45pm TBC
Sunday 25 West Ham United v Tottenham 1.30pm TBC
Sunday 25 Fulham v Blackburn Rovers 4pm TBC

SETANTA LIVE GAMES

Saturday, August 11th @ 5.15pm – Aston Villa v Liverpool
Saturday, August 18th @ 5.15pm – Newcastle United v Aston Villa
Saturday, August 25th @ 5.15pm – Everton v Blackburn Rovers
Sunday, August 26th @ 1.30pm – Middlesbrough v Newcastle United
SEPTEMBER
Saturday, September 1st @ 5.15pm – Manchester United v Sunderland
Saturday, September 15th @ 5.15pm – Chelsea v Blackburn Rovers
Monday, September 17th @ 8pm – Derby County v Newcastle United
Saturday, September 22nd @ 5.15pm – Fulham v Manchester City
Saturday, September 29th @ 5.15pm – Birmingham City v Manchester United
OCTOBER
Monday, October 1st @ 8pm – Tottenham Hotspur v Aston Villa
Sunday, October 7th @ 12noon – Arsenal v Sunderland
Saturday, October 20th @ 5.15pm – Aston Villa v Manchester United
Monday, October 22nd @ 8pm - Newcastle United v Tottenham Hotspur
Saturday, October 27th @ 5.15pm – Portsmouth v West Ham United
NOVEMBER
Saturday, November 3rd @ 5.15pm – Blackburn Rovers v Liverpool
Monday, November 5th @ 8pm – Manchester City v Sunderland
Saturday, November 10th @ 5.15pm – Liverpool v Fulham
Monday, November 12th @ 8pm – Reading v Arsenal
Saturday, November 24th @ 5.15pm – Derby County v Chelsea

Retiring shirts.........

Reports this morning suggest that Arsenal have been planning for life without striker Thierry Henry but no player had been given his old number 14 shirt. Fans have suggested retiring the number to mark the Frenchman's contribution to the club.



What do you think?

Imagine the Arsenal number 14 shirt not turning up in big games anymore!!!!!



And before JN bites back, the rumour that United have retired the number 9 is totally false since its present owner is currently on sick leave after fracturing his toe nail while sleeping!

From toilet to wheely bin...............

New images of Liverpool's proposed new stadium. A bit of an improvement from the toilet you can below to what can only be descirbed as something resembling a wheely bin!

Introducing the new LFC stadium

Also known as the Beardsley Stadium (so named as it is ugly as sin - my opinion of course)

Opinions?

This is what smoking crack does!!!

Evra lets rip on Hasselbaink and Lampard (when he was at Monaco before Champions League Semi against Chelsea)

RE: The Rams & Stagathon

Firstly, i'm sure you will all join me in congratulating the mighty Rams for reaching the promised land of The Premiership. Enjoy the ride my friend as the euphoria is lileky to be short-lived...

More importantly it has come to my attention that Sat 11th August is the first day of the 2007-08 Premiership season. We'll need to re-assess once the fixtures come out but if Spurs are at home then at least 5 of us have a problem. Ditto with Arsenal with 3 people.

Discuss.

MUFC songsheet for next season.........

No doubt the following will be sung at Old Trafford next season:

You robbed your own fans,
you robbed your your faaaaaaaaaaaaaans,
that day in Athens, you robbed your own fans
(to the tune of "we won it six......sorry, five times")

The fans with no shame,
the fans with no shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame,
they robbed thier mates to see the game,
the fans with no shame.
(same tune as above)

In your Liverpool slums,
you robbed your own fans for their tickets in Greece,
once more you deny it and blame the police,
in your Liverpool slums

The best one yet???

Fancy a bet??? Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Found another..........

Taken from the Liverpool website!!!!

And another........

I couldn't resist..........

If you click on this link you can see the Evertonians actually taking the picture:

LINK

It was inevitable................

After last night's 'Greek Tragedy' (or joy depending how you see things – thanks for text JN!) it would only be a matter of time before the plethora of email and txt 'jokes' started. Here we go:

1. When's the minute's silence?

2. Still depressed? Can't talk about it? Can't confide with friends or family? Then call 0800 10 10 10. That number again – 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing!

3. The Easter bunny has been spotted running around Anfield. A spokeman for Merseyside police said it was just a case of mistaken identity, as the only person they could find with all their eggs in one basket was Liverpool manager Benitez.

4. What have Olivia Newton-John and Liverpool got in common? They both got f**ked in Greece.

Oh and best newspaper headline surely goes to the Mirror:

"Revenge as Kop come Acropolis"

Pieri scoops third FFL title

It was an FFL formality, but etiquette demands that we wait for the proper end to the season before handing the trophy over to Mike. Commiserations to Nick who appeared to be running away with it at one point, only to falter when it really counted.

Looking back on the season, you have to say that the acquisition of Robbie Keane was crucial. He scored 53 points since his transfer and was arguably the best striker in the Premiership in the last couple of months. Cech also played his part but some might rue letting Mike get him back so easily after his injury. Overall, a solid defence (Cech, Finnan and Ferdinand especially) and an excellent, consistent forward line (Rooney and Keane) made up for a very poor midfield. Once again, Mike has proved a determined and prescient manager and thoroughly deserves his third trophy [round of applause].

As for Nick, the transfers didn't quite work out (apart from Downing perhaps). Agger and Riise were excellent buys (especially since no one really fancied Agger) and Arteta was an astute choice too. Yakubu was raking in the points up until Easter, then gave up. If you want to blame anyone it has to be him, although Ballack was the laziest cunt in the league.

James's team hung around for much of the season and looked like launching a challenge for a while. Although nearly all his players were consistent, only Pedersen hit a really big score. Taylor was a great buy but the rest hit the 20s and 30s. Had Johnson and Bent been fit for the whole season though, he would probably have taken it.

As for the rest of us, not good enough is the verdict. That's why this game is so great. The final table looks like this:

		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	404
2nd	Nick Ach	395	9
3rd	James	387	17
4th	Nick Ath	349	55
5th	Sid	341	63
6th	Steve	336	68
7th	Rico	310	94
8th	Donald	288	116
9th	Theo	266	138
10th	Stathi	243	161

Incidentally, my spreadsheet died again after the last Premiership week. If it had happened a week earlier, there would have been no final table. Not from me anyway.

Also, I really can't be fucked with the scores again next season. Someone else's turn methinks.

Get in there

Glorious.

...and audited

Apologies to James for any hope I might have given him. Also, a strange assist for Lennon gives Nick a valuable 2 extra points, leaving him 6 behind Mike. However, with only Ashley Cole playing in the final, we can safely say that it's all over. Formal congratulations and a full summing up of the season will follow the FA Cup Final. So, the scores going into it are:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week39
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	401
2nd	Nick Ach	395	6
3rd	James	387	14
4th	Nick Ath	347	54
5th	Sid	341	60
6th	Steve	330	71
7th	Rico	310	91
8th	Donald	285	116
9th	Theo	266	135
10th	Stathi	243	158

In a last ditch attempt to possibly salvage 2nd place, James buys Kalou for the final.

Provisionally...

...this is the pre-FA Cup final table, subject to an audit:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week39
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	401
2nd	Nick Ach	393	8
3rd	James	392	9
4th	Nick Ath	344	57
5th	Sid	341	60
6th	Steve	330	71
7th	Rico	312	89
8th	Donald	283	118
9th	Theo	265	136
10th	Stathi	239	162

Mike has 2 United and Chelsea players (Cech, Joe Cole, Ferdinand and Rooney), Nick has Ashley Cole and James has none (Ballack is injured). Looks like Mike's trophy, barring an Ashley Cole hat-trick.

Ha ha..................

Michael Essien and his calculator (December 2006):

"We are much better than Manchester United. The difference in points in the Premiership is just a coincidence. Its just a matter of days before we are the leaders. I have done my calculations and we will finish at least five points clear of United at the top of the table"

Fancy owning a club for £35?

You've probably seen this already but if you haven't, it's quite interesting. They've got 11,500 subscribers so far and need 50,000 to make it happen. Barnet would be my choice, for obvious reasons.

Stathi, you surely must be interested. Don't you already own a plot of land on the moon? You'd only be left with a Learjet for the set.

Week 37

Little change in the 2-horse race at the top this week with Nick failing to capitalise on a poor showing by Mike's team: both scored a meagre 3 points. Mike can count himself a little lucky with Campbell not featuring in Portsmouth's leaky display against Everton.

So with just 1 week to go, things aren't looking too good for Nick. With Liverpool resting everyone, Yakubu drying up and Bolton leaking goals, Arteta is single-handedly keeping his team in it. Just. It looks as if team selection will be crucial in the games to come - will Fergy and Mourinho pick their best players?

So, the scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week38
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	399
2nd	Nick Ach	388	11
3rd	James	378	21
4th	Nick Ath	336	63
5th	Sid	332	67
6th	Steve	319	80
7th	Rico	302	97
8th	Donald	273	126
9th	Theo	266	133
10th	Stathi	225	174

Congratulations to Steve again for the team of the week (15 points). A mini-renaissance has been going unnoticed there and he may even finish in 5th. And only 3 transfers away from a full set!

There were no transfers this week. I'll be surprised to see any more now.

'And now the end is near, so we face the final weekend...'

Is winning everything?

This post is slightly long, but stay with it. It is worth it.

Even though Theo from time to time reminds us about Blanchflower and his quote about the glory game, I thought it apt to print the quote in it entirety in order to give credence to a wonderful article further down from today’s Guardian:

Blanchflower: “The great fallacy is that the game is first and last about winning. It's nothing of the kind. The game is about glory. It is about doing things in style, with a flourish, about going out to beat the other lot, not waiting for them to die of boredom.”

Guardian Article: English teams are robbing game of skill, says Valdano

The former Real Madrid coach and World Cup winner Jorge Valdano has attacked Rafael Benítez and Jose Mourinho, insisting that they are ushering in a bleak future for football and likening the Champions League semi-final between Liverpool and Chelsea to "a shit hanging from a stick".

The Argentinian, who scored in the 1986 World Cup final and has a respected reputation as a football intellectual, claimed that Mourinho and Benítez mistrust talent because of their own failure to make it as players and said their approach is bad news for the game.

Writing in Spain's best-selling newspaper, Marca, Valdano insisted:

“Football is made up of subjective feeling, of suggestion - and, in that, Anfield is unbeatable. Put a shit hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium and there are people who will tell you it's a work of art. It's not: it's a shit hanging from a stick.

“Chelsea and Liverpool are the clearest, most exaggerated example of the way football is going: very intense, very collective, very tactical, very physical, and very direct," he added. "But, a short pass? Noooo. A feint? Noooo. A change of pace? Noooo. A one-two? A nutmeg? A backheel? Don't be ridiculous. None of that. The extreme control and seriousness with which both teams played the semi-final neutralised any creative licence, any moments of exquisite skill.

“If Didier Drogba was the best player in the first match it was purely because he was the one who ran the fastest, jumped the highest and crashed into people the hardest. Such extreme intensity wipes away talent, even leaving a player of Joe Cole's class disoriented. If football is going the way Chelsea and Liverpool are taking it, we had better be ready to wave goodbye to any expression of the cleverness and talent we have enjoyed for a century.”

Valdano explained why Benítez and Mourinho were to blame for the demise of flair and creativity. “The lives of Mourinho and Benítez have crossed in a world that is ever more scrutinised and exposed by the media, which is why they look at each other with such distrust," he wrote, "but they have two things in common: a previously denied, hitherto unsatisfied hunger for glory, and a desire to have everything under control.

“Both of those things stem from one key factor: neither Mourinho nor Benítez made it as a player. That has made them channel all their vanity into coaching. Those who did not have the talent to make it as players do not believe in the talent of players, they do not believe in the ability to improvise in order to win football matches. In short, Benítez and Mourinho are exactly the kind of coaches that Benítez and Mourinho would have needed to have made it as players.”

I have to say that after reading that, I had a warm glow in my heart!

Surely not a white kit for Arsenal??????

Is this for real? An Arsenal WHITE kit? Personally I think it looks rather nice but WHITE? PR disaster or masterstroke?

Expect the following scenario in North London over the summer:

"Mummy can I have the new Spurs kit please"
"Sure Stavro. I'll get it tonight when I do the shopping. What colour is it?"
"It's white mum"
"OK"

Mum comes home with the new Arsenal kit. Dad boots mum out. Kid is distraught and traumatised..............................

What a weekend.................

1) United beat the bitter blues at the council house

2)United win the title thanks to Arsenal

3) Brotherhood United through to the Cup Final on penalties

4) Cockney Rebel storms to win the 2000 Guineas (£330 win!)

A huge GET IN

Week 36

With the sun setting on another season, Mike consolidates his lead at the top. 11 points might not be much but there are only 2 games left for most teams. Robbie Keane once again did most of the damage and is without doubt the main vector in Mike's remarkable revival this season. With 50 points as a sub, he's easily the most successful transfer of the season, second only to Petr Cech (another Mike transfer). How people must be ruing not going in for him now (Cech that is).

Anyway, here are the scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week37
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	396
2nd	Nick Ach	385	11
3rd	James	363	33
4th	Nick Ath	324	72
5th	Sid	321	75
6th	Steve	304	92
7th	Rico	297	99
8th	Donald	269	127
9th	Theo	257	139
10th	Stathi	218	178

There were no transfers to report this week.

Mike - are you sure you still want that photo of Kaka with his arms in the air on this blog?

A voice for good part 2 (??)

Nice things from Kaka: (Will James bite????)

"I watch the Premiership and I see Manchester United in England as the most Brazilian-like in their style," he said. "Obviously, Ronaldo and Rooney are very skilful, but they all play well with the ball on the floor. They play the passing game. They did not use any long balls against us. People always say that Arsenal play a Brazilian style of football, but I think Manchester United are more Brazilian in their way of playing than the Arsenal players are."

What he says is surprising in one way given that Arsenal have two of his Brazil team-mates among their team in Baptista and Gilberto!

Week 35

Not much change at the top this week with Mike scoring 16 points to Nick's 15. James's challenge once again faded with his team managing a paltry 7. It's going to be one of those classic tight finishes, but you have to fancy Mike at this stage. Not only are his players in form, he's got 2 Manchester United and 2 Chelsea players in his team whereas Nick only has 1 (Ashley Cole) who hasn't been featuring regularly of late. If it goes to the FA Cup final, Mike has the edge.

Congratulations to Steve who managed a mammoth 26 points this week.

So, the scores are:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week36
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	384
2nd	Nick Ach	378	6
3rd	James	357	27
4th	Nick Ath	321	63
5th	Sid	317	67
6th	Rico	294	90
7th	Steve	293	91
8th	Donald	272	112
9th	Theo	253	131
10th	Stathi	217	167

Transfer:

Last throw of the dice for Nick who emulates Steve Coppell by swapping Lita for Doyle.

A voice for good..................

Not many times I am complimentary about the Arsenal board but Peter Hill-Wood's comments below are refreshing and pleasing to hear. He has sent a hands-off warning to American billionaire Stan Kroenke over any potential takeover of the club.

Hill-Wood told the Guardian: "The shareholders would prefer to stay in control than sell out to some stranger.

"We would be horrified to see ownership of the club go across the Atlantic."

Hill-Wood claims that he and three of the club's major shareholders - Fiszman, Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith and the Carr family - have "no intention of selling".

He added: "These people love Arsenal, they are independently wealthy and do not need the money. Having a few extra million pounds in the bank is of no interest to them.

"We're here for Arsenal football club, not to make a few bob. The club has been run for the benefit of supporters, staff and players."

Contrast this with the blatant whoring all over the world, to anyone who will listen (including dodgy Far Eastern Prime Minsters) of a certain club by a certain Mr. Moores.

One point I would like to ask Mr Hill-Wood is given your final, fan-friendly comment, how on earth can you justify the prices at the Emirates? How much does a pie cost? Oh, its run for a CERTAIN type of fan.

Week 34

Things probably don't get much better than this: you beat Roma 7-1 and cruise into the Champions League semis. A routine FA Cup semi-final win in 2nd gear sees you into the FA Cup final. You're top of the league. You've got the best player in the world. Then your FFL team scores 21 points (to the leader's 5) and you're looking at your 3rd FFL trophy. I do realise that it could all go tits up, but it's been a good week for Mike.

All that despite seeing James Milner get yet another assist and Joe Cole nothing. The only consolation is knowing that Nick must be feeling even worse watching Ballack getting points. It's also worth mentioning James's efforts of late - just 13 points behind Nick now and 18 behind Mike. With Matt Taylor back in the team and scoring, his renewed challenge might be coming at the right time. Finally, we might have an exciting climax to the season.

As for the rest of us, who gives a toss any more? Here are the scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week35
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Mike	368
2nd	Nick Ach	363	5
3rd	James	350	18
4th	Nick Ath	314	54
5th	Sid	306	62
6th	Rico	284	84
7th	Steve	267	101
8th	Donald	257	111
9th	Theo	236	132
10th	Stathi	214	154

No transfers to report this week, but there's plenty of mid-week action. Saddle up for the run-in.

PFA Player of the Year list

Pre-official announcement (don't shoot the messenger!)
This is the short-list for the PFA award:

Drogba
Fabregas
Gerrard
Ronaldo
Scholes
Giggs

My take? Its obviously between Drogba and Ronaldo. Scholes has claims to be on the list, but what the **$%$ are the rest doing there?
We know why Drogba and Ronaldo are there. The same for Scholes but Giggs? Yes he's played well this season but in the top 6 players in the Premiership? Vidic has more right that he has.

As for Gerrard and Fabregas. What have they done this season? Fabregas has scored less goals than his shirt number (for the non-Gooners he wears number four!) while Gerrard's influence at the club is so great that his manager continually plays him ANYWHERE but his favourite position. In addition he has played in a distinctly average team, playing dire, average football and how many points behind United and Chelsea are they in the league? I despair. I guess its becoming more a vote for a player's abiulity rather than their contribution to the season.

I suggest the following players deserve more recognition than those two:
Benny McCarthy anyone? Great first season at Blackburn. What about Berbatov - quality first season in the Premiership but for me the biggest player missing from that list is Michael Essien. The man has been immense for Chelsea and has played a key role during their dodgly patch. Outstanding season from him.

Rant over

Very Cool Violinist....

FFL Week 33

Not the most eventful week this week, but a full schedule today may change things. Mike must be seething after watching his reject James Milner pick up 2 assists this week, having scored nothing since being bought by Mike. So, Nick's lead is extended at the top by a further 6 points.

Elsewhere, could James be renewing his challenge? 15 points sees the team of the week award go his way, thanks to 8 points from Mark Viduka. Yet another poor week from Sid finally sees him relinquish his 4th place.

Scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week34
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	361
2nd	Mike	347	14
3rd	James	328	33
4th	Nick Ath	301	60
5th	Sid	299	62
6th	Rico	281	80
7th	Steve	261	100
8th	Donald	250	111
9th	Theo	232	129
10th	Stathi	203	158

No transfers were received before the early kick-off (the adjusted bank holiday deadline).

FFL Week 32

That fucker of a spreadsheet is finally fixed again but will surely commit suicide again before the end of the season. So, it's with enormous relief that I now present the FFL scores. Read carefully, because it took hours to reconstruct.

Not too much change in what is now surely a 2-horse race at the top. Mike outscored Nick by 3 points but Nick picked up 2 points for another Arteta assist on Monday. So, the lead remains in double-figures. I top scored with 12, Stathi once again disgraced himself with -2. The scores are:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week33
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	353
2nd	Mike	343	10
3rd	James	315	38
4th	Sid	294	59
5th	Nick Ath	293	60
6th	Rico	275	78
7th	Donald	248	105
8th	Steve	248	105
9th	Theo	229	124
10th	Stathi	202	151

1 transfer to report, my own:

Out goes Robben, in comes the injured Park. It's all about the timing.

UPDATE:

Missed Mike's transfer of Joe Cole for Milner. Sorry Mike and anyone else who missed this update and tries to buy him.

The Greatest Cricketing sledges of all time..........

I know this is not football but some of these are brilliant. (number three is my favourite)

Imagine if the same thing happened in football - No doubt there would be the same level of violence and mass brawling as witnessed at the Carling Cup Final but why should that matter when the FA fines the perpetrators a pittance!!!!


1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?
"Botham apparently responded "The wife's fine, the kids are retarded".

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughesuring 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandaduring 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richardsuring a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney......"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*ing rip your F*fing throat out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he replied.

FFL Week 31

Right, due to several bugs in the spreadsheet I spent two hours on Sunday afternoon updating my OLD spreadsheet. Out went marking my GCSE Economics test papers and in came searching player lists, the blog for transfers and voila, I think I have an updated version of the spreadsheet.

Of course the auditors (McNick and James) will no doubt search and check for mistakes and I am in no way saying that what I am publishing is defintive so PLEASE check your scores!!!!!

Note: This is LAST WEEK's update - as there is no football this weekend (I'm not saying international break since after watching some aweful attempts at the beautiful game, I cannot bring myself to call it as such so as far as I am concernd there was NO FOOTBALL this weekend)

Anyway, here are the scores:

		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	344
2nd	Mike	339	5
3rd	James	311	33
4th	Sid	297	47
5th	Nick Ath	281	63
6th	Rico	261	83
7th	Donald	248	96
8th	Steve	241	103
9th	Theo	227	117
10th	Stathi	208	136

Transfers:
James gets rid of Adebayor (cursing the FA with his favourite profanities even though he deserved more than a four-match ban for acting like the tallest baby you are ever going to see) for Viduka. He also acquires Ballack after getting rid of Nolan (again with much use of his favourite C-word - cursing Nolan's inability to get within 20 points of his FFL average over the past 3 seasons!!!)

An alternative Valentines Day......

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure, seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

FFL Week 30

Barely worth commenting on this week's scored, with just 4 games played. The only mildly significant thing is that Nick extended his lead by 4, with James and Mike not scoring anything.

The scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week30
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	324
2nd	Mike	306	18
3rd	James	292	32
4th	Sid	280	44
5th	Nick Ath	265	59
6th	Rico	250	74
7th	Donald	246	78
8th	Steve	223	101
9th	Theo	221	103
10th	Stathi	182	142

2 transfers to report:

Sid buys Bellamy for Henry.
YHC* buys Gilberto '5 penalties on the way' Silva for Cahill.

*Your humble Chairman

Glenn Close moment

Osboune Saturday 1

Who is this???

What? The very definition of hypocrisy..............

Anyone see Football Focus today?

Well if you did you would have heard that sub-human Keown spout the follwing crap from his neanderthal mouth:
"we don't want to see violent conduct"

What? You liar. You hypocrite.

Moreover, what a f**king ugly monkey faced c**t. How can this sub-human be given an opportunity to be on television? There's no way his face should be on the telly before midnight.

Hypocrite. End of.

Even Dixon said "You seemed to like violence as a player"

Rant over

PS: The TIME cover on the left is the actual one published

Osborne Friday 2

And no, it's not Kelsey Grammer.

Mr D. Berbatov

Dimitar Berbatov`s goal and overall performance in Tottenham Hotspur`s dramatic 4-3 victory over West Ham United at Upton Park has seen the Bulgarian striker record the highest individual score of the week in The Actim Index - the Official Player Ratings of the Barclays Premiership.

Berbatov, who recorded a score of 42 index points, was also named in the Actim Index Team of the Week for his efforts. He was a constant menace throughout the match and was denied twice early on by West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green. He eventually struck Tottenham`s equaliser in the 89th minute before Paul Stalteri grabbed the winner in injury time.

(and this is where it gets interesting...)

Actim Stats reveal that Berbatov has contributed eight goals, 56 shots, 10 tackles, 22 clearances, six interceptions, 21 dribbles, 13 crosses and 206 passes in 2195 minutes of Premiership football this season.

He is Tottenham`s highest ranked player this season, currently sitting in 7th position overall in the Actim Index and is the 3rd highest ranked striker in the division (behind Umfoofoo Drogba and Shrek Rooney).

Quality, quality player who fortunately doesn't look the type who would do a dirty on us and eff off when the big boys start calling. Whether Mr Levy and the Board will resist the financial temptation, i'm not so sure.....

FFL Week 29

I'm not going to do all that immature congratulatory stuff with 9 weeks still to go, but you have to admit that things are looking ominous for the chasers. A massive 18-pointer from Nick sees him open up a 14-point lead over Mike and a virtually insurmountable 28-point gap between himself and James. I'm sure there are many 'ifs' and 'buts' and 'I thought abouts' to come from that direction.

Instead, Nick top scores with 18, Defoe, Lennon and new boy Ashley Cole doing the damage. If Nick does go on to win, there should be a bottle of whisky in it for Theo. James had a calamitous week, scoring -1. 'That bloody Spurs defence again,' he'll say, quite rightly. In Mike's case, only 5 points scored, but Keane should be back next week.

The scores:

FFL 2006/07 LEAGUE TABLE			week29
		Total Points	Diff
1st	Nick Ach	320
2nd	Mike	306	14
3rd	James	292	28
4th	Sid	277	43
5th	Nick Ath	259	61
6th	Rico	253	67
7th	Donald	244	76
8th	Theo	222	98
9th	Steve	220	100
10th	Stathi	180	140

Transfers

2 transfers to report, both from the leader:
Out goes Ballack, finally, and in comes Jermaine Jenas (beating off bids from Sid and your humble Chairman).
Also out goes Defoe after his mild heroics on Sunday, and in comes Leroy Lita. Turning the screw, as they say.

FA Cup this week. Nick's got 5 players left in it and Mike 6. The destiny of the 12th Dwight Yorke Cup still hangs in the balance.

The Barnes Files

More from the boy genius:

May I take the honour of commencing "Osbourne Day"

So, who am I......................